Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Searching for the human condition

The weird and wonderful world of t'internet searches

Search engines amaze me.  Surely, but surely, they are one of the modern wonders of the world, along with GPS, anything Steve Jobs touched, the Large Hadron Collider, and She Pees. Perhaps the She Pee will stop the she's peeing in the he's bathroom in clubs - girls, men's toilets are socially awkward enough places without you lot weird-ening up the vibe even more.  Why do you think we pee on the seats?  To warn you lot off.  That, and limited evolution.

Anyway, this post isn't exclusively or even predominantly concerned with the urination mores of the two sexes.  That, I'm certain, is available in explicit and eyebrow raising detail elsewhere.  No, it's about the search terms that people use before they click on a link to my blog.  Of course, if I wanted lots more search hits I'd just need to include the word 'sex' and its cousins lots of times in my posts, regardless of the true contents. But I'm not that shallow, nor that desperate for affirmation via page views, so I would never do it. (sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexdeviancesexsexgreatestinventionofalltimeusedforthissexsexhairynipplessexsexvanessafeltzsexiwannapukesexsexyuckvanessafeltzsexsexbarfithappenedsexsexifeeluncleansexsex)

I checked my daily search stats when I got up this morning, idly and aimlessly, and was nudged awake by the single search term that had led an individual to my blog today:

Now this got me thinking. Is what I write so bleak that a search term such as this directs the searcher to my outpourings?  Has Google finally achieved a shortcut past expensive therapy and revealed the pathetic little nub of my human condition? 

And then I read the search term again, more clearly this time and noticed the spelling of 'neither'.  'Oh, that's OK', I thought, 'just another deviant searching for love in the nether regions'.  Or maybe they did really mean 'neither'.  I hope they're OK.  I really hope they didn't linger too long on the blog because I doubt it exactly brightened up their gloomy disposition.  If you're still there loveless - we love you.  Yes, all of us, in this lovely little readership community.  Group hug!  You're welcome here, really.  Just keep away from our nethers.

After this I thought I'd check my all time search term stats.  It revealed, in all its wonderful glory, the diversity, idiosyncrasy, and downright weirdness of the internet.  That, and how popular wookies are:

My particular favourite is 'mushroom chewbacca'. Now, just what exactly was that searcher looking for?  Was it the same person who was searching for 'bangkok shroomshake'?  Had they heard an urban myth about the tourist who necked a shroomshake, got all hairy, and started howling at the moon, before shooting off in their imaginary Millennium Falcon? The mind boggles.

And as for 'picture of a kitten on a steering wheel asking if it hit a dog', well that's anyone's guess.  In fact, no. It's your guess.  That's right, regulars, we have another competition.  Whoop whoop!  Come on down! Nice to see you, to see you nice.  All you have to do is stick an explanation in the comments field trying to explain this search term.  Funniest, weirdest and most creative wins.  If you post as 'anonymous' leave a name or handle so you can be identified and fawned over by me should you win.  The first prize is a Bangkok Shroomshake.

Let's see what you got.  Remember, who loves ya baby?


  1. I think this is a coded message ;-)

    Kitten = Helen
    Steering wheel = Ian
    Hitting a dog = accident

    So someone you know, that was paranoid enough to code the message to avoid being targetted by ex-NoW journalists who need a new source of income, was looking whether you were in an almost accident while you were steering and Helen was riding pillon.

  2. Wow! You could so take that to a whole other level especially if you are linking it into a Bangkok Shroomshake. Think possibly best not to go there, though the thought is certainly making me chuckle. Cx (Caroline K just in case there are a few 'Cx's'